Carver's Christmas Eve




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Carver's Christmas Eve

written by Jill Wragg
narrated by 
Carver Martin Gibney

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, cuz I ate that mouse.
The stockings were hung on the high mantel-shelf 
Where I couldn't get them, not without exerting myself.

I was curled up in the leather chair, all cozy and warm,
When up on the roof there arose a terrible storm!
I waited for the stupid dog to start flapping her jaw 
But she was under my chair, covering her ears with her paws!

It was all up to me, I knew that at once. 
Never could count on that mutt - she's such a dunce.
So I tore up the leather (oops) in my dash to look
After I shredded the curtains, I beheld a crook!

It was a tiny little man, red and fat as an apple.
I flexed my claws in preparation for battle.
As I bared my teeth and turned around 
The burglar slid down the chimney in a single bound.

When that fat little man began eating cookies with relish 
I decided Cat Scratch Fever was how he would perish.
As he stuffed the last cookie into his mouth from the tray,
I crept up behind him, a lion stalking his prey.

Just then the dog farted - that dog's a worthless brute.
The fat guy turned and saw me - he put his hand in his suit!
My life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was dead.
He had a gun -  I knew it! But then, instead . . . 

As he swung his hand toward me, I braced for the shot
But the thing in his hand was not what I thought.
It twitched, and it jumped, and it swung on a string
And then that home invader whistled and started to sing,

"Here kitty. Here kitty. It's a mouse with catnip."
I felt my murderous resolve beginning to slip!
I tried to stay the course, after all I AM a cat
But nobody, no, no one, no one can resist THAT.

Next thing I knew I was acting the fool.
I swatted and batted. I even started to drool.
It wasn't pretty but I'll tell you right now
I wasn't even embarrassed when I started to meow.

I'd intended to maul him, to maim his fat face.
He'd interrupted my sleep and invaded my space!
But by the time he left I was waving goodbye.
I was smiling, and stretching, and closing my eyes.

I think I was stoned. Everything was a fog. 
I'll never live down that I hugged that dumb dog.
I can't wait till next year when that burglar comes back.
I'm going to be waiting  . . . for some more kitty crack.






Jill Wragg is a retired police officer in Massachusetts.
She can be reached at JKWragg@yahoo.com


Officer Mary Gibney
.


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