Carver's Christmas Eve

(click pic for video)

Carver's Christmas Eve

written by Jill Wragg
narrated by 
Carver Martin Gibney

Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house

Not a creature was stirring, cuz I ate that mouse.

The stockings were hung on the high mantel-shelf 

Where I couldn't get them, not without exerting myself.

I was curled up in the leather chair, all cozy and warm,

When up on the roof there arose a terrible storm!

I waited for the stupid dog to start flapping her jaw 

But she was under my chair, covering her ears with her paws!

It was all up to me, I knew that at once. 

Never could count on that mutt - she's such a dunce.

So I tore up the leather (oops) in my dash to look

After I shredded the curtains, I beheld a crook!

It was a tiny little man, red and fat as an apple.

I flexed my claws in preparation for battle.

As I bared my teeth and turned around 

The burglar slid down the chimney in a single bound.

When that fat little man began eating cookies with relish 

I decided Cat Scratch Fever was how he would perish.

As he stuffed the last cookie into his mouth from the tray,

I crept up behind him, a lion stalking his prey.

Just then the dog farted - that dog's a worthless brute.

The fat guy turned and saw me - he put his hand in his suit!

My life flashed before my eyes. I thought I was dead.

He had a gun -  I knew it! But then, instead . . . 

As he swung his hand toward me, I braced for the shot

But the thing in his hand was not what I thought.

It twitched, and it jumped, and it swung on a string

And then that home invader whistled and started to sing,

"Here kitty. Here kitty. It's a mouse with catnip."

I felt my murderous resolve beginning to slip!

I tried to stay the course, after all I AM a cat

But nobody, no, no one, no one can resist THAT.

Next thing I knew I was acting the fool.

I swatted and batted. I even started to drool.

It wasn't pretty but I'll tell you right now

I wasn't even embarrassed when I started to meow.

I'd intended to maul him, to maim his fat face.

He'd interrupted my sleep and invaded my space!

But by the time he left I was waving goodbye.

I was smiling, and stretching, and closing my eyes.

I think I was stoned. Everything was a fog. 

I'll never live down that I hugged that dumb dog.

I can't wait till next year when that burglar comes back.

I'm going to be waiting  . . . for some more kitty crack.

Jill Wragg is a retired police officer in Massachusetts.
She can be reached at JKWragg@yahoo.com

Officer Mary Gibney

.